My mom used to say “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all…”
Have you heard that advice before? Do you agree or disagree?
While there is some wisdom to this phrase, I’ve found it gets a lot of women in trouble!
It makes them think they have to suppress their emotions and needs and heartache or frustration.
What ends up happening is the “not-so-nice” leaks out in very passive aggressive ways, or causes a ton of anxiety when bottled up inside — both of which can ruin a budding relationship.
But speaking up constructively about what we need and how we feel can be hard…
Which is a shame because sharing who you are and what you want is absolutely necessary for getting to a second, third, or fourth date and creating a lasting love.
One of the biggest mistakes I see is when women walk on eggshells or don’t express who they really are…when they trap themselves into the box of the “nice girl…”
but then don’t get a second or third date…and wonder why, when they thought they were being so polite…
Have you ever held back on what you wanted to say and then regretted it? Or felt scared that if you shared he’d leave?
And maybe you wondered, what’s the right thing to say here?
There are a ton of mixed messages in our culture and from our families.
Maybe you’ve even gone to some of your girlfriends for advice, but their negativity about men and dating made you second guess yourself (or isolate yourself) even more.
When you’re feeling caught in the “too nice” trap, or feeling confused about how to date,
what you really need is the right COMMUNITY.
Community is the 4th of 5 key traits for successfully navigating the fear and anxiety of dating (we’ve been sharing the first 3 traits over the past week).
Good community holds us accountable, inspires us to be our best, and helps diffuse the intensity of finding love.
You need a safe space where you can share how you feel, get it out, and also get feedback and support on how to move forward.
You need a mentor who can help you understand what you really need…
(and help you determine whether that’s an inner child need or an adult need — hint: don’t let your inner child run your relationships).
And, you need other women who can reassure you that speaking your truth in a constructive way is well worth it.
Like my client Belle, who recently talked with the guy she’s been dating…
She was nervous to ask for what she wanted and to have “the talk,”
But with my help it went smoothly — and he started reaching out to her all the time again and planning amazing dates like when they first met!
Having the right conversations — and the right community to support you before and after those key moments — can make or break a relationship.
Don’t limit yourself in the “nice girl” trap. And don’t get stuck in the anxiety of not really sharing who you are.
Your partner is out there and he wants to date YOU — not some carbon copy of a nice girl image.
Show him your authentic self, and feel confident about doing so, with a powerful community at your back.
When I was dating, I couldn’t find a great support system and mentorship for healthy relationships.
Everything I found was either codependent or fiercely independent. What I wanted was INTERDEPENDENCE. Having a partner, without losing myself.
Because there was no network of powerful women getting what they wanted in love, I created one. You get my expertise, and also the leverage and power of all the women I work with, cheering you on.
No more going it alone, keeping it all bottled up, or staying stuck in your fear.
Join the community which will help you achieve what you want in love, and feel better along the way 🙂
PS learn how to win in love authentically, powerfully, with the right support, by setting up your free Breakthrough to Love session here: www.violetlange.com/talk