Do you ever feel bad for a guy you like, and you want to help him?
Or do you ever have a crush on someone, and think the best way to let him know you’re interested is by helping him?
Have you ever offered to help a man, or chimed in with advice, and felt him go cold?
I hate to break it to you ladies, but men do not respond to help the way women do…
Oftentimes what we would do so easily for a friend, totally backfires when we do that for someone we’re dating or crushing on.
Why?
Because the masculine thrives on HEALTHY CHALLENGE. He needs to go through a challenge in order to grow — not because you are the one challenging him (although sometimes you are!), but because you BELIEVE in his ability to thrive in any challenge.
Every time you give him unsolicited advice, what he hears is not your devotion, but your fear that he can’t figure it out on his own…
Every time you offer to help, to make his life easier, he thinks “oh, she doesn’t mind doing things for me without me even asking — cool” and he puts you more and more into the “mom” category…
Every time you decline his offer to help you, and put the focus instead on him, the more he gets comfortable receiving and the less likely he is to give to you, or to the world, his best self…
It can feel totally unnerving to NOT be able to help your guy,
Until you realize that the best way to help him is to BELIEVE in him.
If he says he had a tough day at work, instead of going into problem-solving mode, how about saying
“Wow, sounds rough. But you’re smart, talented, and the best guy they have on that project. I know you’ll figure it out.”
Put your FAITH into him, not your fears, and watch how he transforms into his masculine energy.
When we tell a man “I know you can do this” or “I trust you, I know you’ve got it handled”, he puffs up. He remembers oh yes, I DO know how to do this and he feels motivated to figure it out.
When we pick him apart, second guess him, or criticize his efforts so far, it’s emasculating. He will be more likely to become sullen or withdrawn, which just makes the feminine feel rejected and needy, causing her to put MORE energy into wanting to “help” him, repeating the vicious cycle.
Do you love your man — or your potential partner — enough to believe in him? If you don’t trust him or respect him, you’ve got inner work to do or maybe it’s time to choose a different partner.
When I teach women how to do this — how to attract higher quality men that they inherently respect and believe in…how to communicate in a way that builds him up without mothering him…and how to keep love going strong even when their man is struggling — their whole world changes.
Instead of seeing men as “not enough”, they see men for who they really are…capable, and still figuring things out (like we all are, right?)
Take the pressure off both people to be perfect and focus on the perfection of love flowing in each moment.
Xoxo, Violet
PS if you tend to attract needy men, or tend to push away the high quality, masculine men you desire, then something needs to change in your energy and your communication. This is our specialty, and we’d love to see if we can help you. Set up your free 20 minute Discovery Call with us here: www.violetlange.com/talk
