He doesn’t even live here!
He already has two kids!
When do you know if you should just cut something off?
How do you EVEN KNOW what sort of trauma, or baggage, or crazy stories he is bringing into the relationship?
Sometimes that stuff doesn’t get unearthed on the first date.
Sometimes not even in the first month, but that’s only if you don’t know the right questions to ask when you’re going on a date. The women I work with learn how to discern who a man is within a date or two so they don’t have to waste their time.
If you don’t know how to better understand someone’s values and past experiences, and also if you don’t understand how to be vulnerable yourself (because typically, men are willing to be as vulnerable as women are) then you won’t see the baggage until it’s too late.
You might hear “Oh, you shouldn’t date men who are divorced. Or, you shouldn’t date men who have kids.” Or whatever the litany of things is that you might hear from your single girlfriend…
This is totally wrong.
It’s not really about what the person experienced, it’s what they learned from the experience and who they are today.
I highly recommend that you seek someone who is growth-oriented, self-aware, willing to learn, and willing to change, versus someone who has a completely pristine track record.
Because the truth is, that if you’re dating in your ’30s, or ’40s, or ’50s, no one has a pristine track record.
Even if they didn’t date someone ever, that itself could be considered to be “baggage” because they hadn’t had any dating experience.
I work with women who’ve been divorced twice as well as women who’ve never had a serious relationships, and everything in between. And all of those situations are fine — it doesn’t stop them from attracting a lifetime partner.
But there are so many ways that we can put our potential partners into a box, and we can cut ourselves off from amazing opportunities because of that judgment, because of the fear of baggage (theirs or ours).
So I want to share some examples of my amazing clients.
One of whom met her guy at a conference in San Francisco. He lives in London, which normally, people would be like, “Why would you want to create a long-distance relationship?”
But, they had a great connection. I had been mentoring her, working with her on her femininity, on being open, on exploring, and at the same time, really speaking her truth and standing up for herself.
And what happened is that she moved to London for a while to be with him. She ended up traveling around to the conference circuit in Europe because she speaks at conferences, and has a really cool job, and is this bad-ass entrepreneur. Now she’s back in San Francisco, and he’s going to be joining her for the Thanksgiving Day holiday. And then from there, they’re moving back to London.
So what was considered to be baggage, that he lives abroad, and P.S. she just got divorced last year, were all things they could totally work through with my support.
Now they have this global, amazing lifestyle!
I have another client who lives in New York City and in the program she met and started dating a great guy, who is in his early ’50s and European and entrepreneur. She’s successful too, and in her ’40s.
But, he has a kid.
Which could either be considered to be baggage, or could consider being maturity, and an opportunity to really understand a man’s values?
Because of his experience, it’s showing her that he’s an amazing father.
In fact, he wants to have more children, which is really important to her in her early ’40s and something she’d been wanting for a very long time.
My client had been attracting noncommittal men…you know they say NYC can be a tough place to date.
But not if you know how to do so. She made the changes I suggested and attracted an amazing man who’s mature, kind, treats her like a queen…all of which she would have missed out on if she’d be judging him as having baggage.
What sort of judgments do you have about someone’s baggage? And what are you missing out on because of it?
P.S. Do you know how to navigate dating in your late 30s and 40s? Are you attracting the right sort of men? Let’s help you find out on a free 45 minute Breakthrough to Love call. You can find your time here: www.violetlange.com/apply
P.P.S. to hear more client results, check out our Facebook page The Art of Passionate Intimacy where we do a live interview each week!