Imagine you’re driving a car and you want to look forward into that big, beautiful expanse and everything that you’re going towards…
not into that tiny screen that’s up there which is the rear-view mirror.
If you look into the rear-view mirror while you’re driving forward, for too long you will run into something! Ouch!
Same thing happens with our relationships…
if we’re mulling over the past and can’t stop analyzing it, can’t stop beating ourselves up over it, then we’re gonna miss all of the possibilities that are out there.
The women in my program ask me,
“How do I know that I’m ready to date, Violet?”.
“I’ve been doing my work”
“I’ve been doing the practices”
I’m like “Well if you’ve been doing the practices to let go of your past, to find deeper self respect and to really love yourself, then you’re ready to date because dating is like riding a bicycle.”
Once we get into it, it starts to become more intuitive when you have support and guidance…
when you’ve had those training wheels and when you’ve gone on some dates where you’re showing up in a different state.
How do we know we’re showing up differently (and therefore getting a different outcome)?
The number one thing that we can do to change the way that we’re restarting our love life this time of year is to actually change our identity.
Think about your past relationships…
I want you to ask yourself, “who was I in that relationship?”
“Maybe I was jealous, maybe I was resentful, maybe I was immature, maybe I was afraid.”
There are probably positive things as well like
“Maybe I was loving, maybe I was kind.”
But in general, when relationships don’t work out we’re showing up in a way that’s not really serving us or serving our partner.
So if I think about some of my past relationships like one that I had about 6 years ago…
I think I was acting like I was a 17-year-old!
I was jealous all the time, I had trust issues and there was a lot of stuff from my past that kept coming up.
So when I think about who I was in my past relationships it’s not an identity that I want to take into the future.
What I would rather have you do is build an identity of being a woman of love, of being a committed partner, of being a woman who is so fantastically in her feminine that she’s just irresistible to her man.
Building a future identity is a great way to let go of the past because it’s easiest to change your behavior through identity versus through rules.
So think about: who is this woman of love that I want to become for the summer? (because spring is a super important time to start dating )
Summertime is when everyone is out and about, especially if you live anywhere cold…
people are hanging out, the days are longer, and it’s the perfect time for love so start thinking about this now.
“What is my identity as a woman of love and how do I want to show up in my relationships?”
“What are the qualities that I want to embody to share with my future partner?”
It might be something like compassion or peace or power or fiesty-ness or sexiness.
It will be different for each woman but instead of thinking about our relationship just through the lens of the man,
think about the relationship through your own lens and who you’re becoming…
because I do believe that relationships are the most complex thing that we will ever do on the planet.
It’s a lot harder to create a successful relationship than it is to launch a business
With a relationship, you’ve got two people who are really trying to figure things out,
but oftentimes they’re re-enacting patterns from the past and don’t always have the clarity or the focus or just the consciousness to be able to see through some of their patterns.
So makes it all that more important to really be ready and be conscious about how you date and to create an identity that really serves you.
PS If you are ready to create a vision for yourself and to look forward instead of looking into the rearview mirror, I would love to help you get there. I have a few spots open for our free 45 minute Breakthrough to Love calls, so grab one now by going here www.violetlange.com/apply