I thought I was immune to it…
I was the one who wanted to be exclusive first
I was the one who seemed to need more from the relationship and a few steps ahead
I was the one who was more interested in marriage, babies, all of it
So I was totally blindsided when a few weeks ago, in the pre-wedding frenzy, I felt a lump of fear in my throat and tightness in my chest
I just wasn’t feeling that into my partner. BUT WE ARE GETTING MARRIED SOON!!!
I felt so ashamed. And terrified.
When I got married the first time, I felt NONE of this.
In my first marriage, there wasn’t even time for fear…because we weren’t really connected as a couple. It was more about the to-do than the I-do.
So why, with this amazing man, for the second round, did I feel like crawling under a rock?
Turns out, fear is normal.
AND, if you’re used to being the one “looking” for problems, and then all of sudden you realize you DO have a dream relationship and he IS an amazing guy…
Well, it takes the legs right out of the story that he’ll leave or cheat or somehow it’ll fall apart.
Because it isn’t falling apart…it’s falling together — beautifully.
And since he’s not running, I have no one to blame.
And since he’s not running, I felt suffocated. I felt like the “bad” one in the relationship.
If you grew up with a critical or abusive parent, you probably adopted a coping mechanism of feeling like you were bad.
Easier for a child to believe he or she is bad than to think his or her parents are…so the child feels he or she is somehow bad or wrong.
Which sometimes translates into future relationships…mates thinking their partner is bad, or that they themselves are bad. And when the “bad” partner turns good, what is the “good” partner to do but start feeling “bad”?
This doesn’t allow space for both partners to be GOOD…and for the relationship to be GOOD!
And, this is all an illusion. A primitive good/bad way of looking at the world formed in early years of development. The truth of relationship is complexity, nuance, equal responsibility, and interdependence.
I can so easily be addicted to drama. And I see it in my clients all the time — losing interest when it actually feels safe in a relationship. Feeling like he’s “too nice.” Wanting to run JUST when they get everything they thought they ever wanted.
Luckily this feeling dissipated in about 3 days, just like my clients sit with their emotions and they transform, so their love grows deeper and more connected. My heart continued to grow and open, as did my desire. I just needed a little time to spend with myself — a layer of grief to shed.
Do you let fear dictate your decisions?
Do you feel like you’re the “good” or “bad” partner?
What happens when the roles get reversed?
Do you tame your fear? Or let it run wild?
If you’re afraid to love or afraid of loving and losing, we need to talk. Reply here or pick out a spot to talk with someone from my team at www.violetlange.com/apply