I have a story to tell…it’s kinda scary for me to share this, but here goes…
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine texted me that she’d seen Jason’s profile on Bumble…
And I totally freaked out.
I called him (I had gotten her text right after dance class) and asked him if he was on Bumble,
And he was shocked — he said he hadn’t touched any apps since right after we dated.
She did some research and found out that Bumble never deletes your profile unless you manually delete it (Tinder will stop showing your profile after a few weeks of inactivity).
So Jason went into the website with me and deleted it.
It was a really old profile, and it made logical sense why it was still up there (of course Bumble wants to show there are more people using their site than actually are).
But it was really, really painful for me to process this…
As much as I deeply love and am committed to Jason, it exposed all my old fears.
Fears of getting cheated on, fears of finding out through someone else, fears of everything we’ve built together crumbling in 2 seconds.
And it really highlighted my issues with trust.
What I realized is that I’ve gotten VERY good at trusting myself.
After a decade or more of not trusting myself, I learned how to follow my intuition, speak my needs, leave bad situations, process my trauma, and crawl out of every dark hole — never abandoning myself. EVER. Which is how I attracted an amazing man like him.
But what life is asking of me now is to get very good again at trusting others, specifically my husband.
I’ll be honest, this is devastatingly hard for me.
As soon as I saw that text from my friend, I thought
“Well if this is true I am totally leaving him instantly”
I am so good at running away.
And if it were true or if there were reasons for me to believe he was unfaithful, I would leave.
But that wasn’t what was going on.
So we talked about it, I cried and journaled, I asked my friends what they thought of him, and I realize that these fears of cheating are covering up something really fascinating…
They are covering up the depth of my love. The ocean of devotion I want to pour into him, and us, and make everything from a home to a family to a life. The deeper love I want to share but I’m scared to show.
Truthfully, I can take care of myself. But I WANT to be taken care of. I LOVE being taken care of by Jason.
And sometimes I hold back in showing that same love to him. I don’t express the fullness of my love because most of the men I had dated couldn’t handle it, or it reeked of desperation, or I made them my whole world before taking care of my own.
This pattern might sound fierce, independent, even smart.
But it’s blocking me from deeper trust and love with my husband.
He is the best thing that’s happened to me, and I want it to just keep getting better.
So I’ve been doing some research and some soul-search on trust.
“Trust is entrusting something valuable to someone else.”
Entrusting my heart to him, and his to me.
“Trust is the firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.”
Trust is what I need in order to dive deeper into our love — because he IS showing up reliably, truthful, and totally able to help me in so many parts of my life and on my spiritual path.
My hesitation to trust and fear of being cheated on are two sides of the same coin, and probably my biggest obstacle to a deeper relationship.
So I do ask him from time to time…I get paranoid…and the Bumble thing made it worse.
Jason asked me why I bring up my fear of him cheating every few months…and while I was tempted to say I wouldn’t bring it up again, I knew that wasn’t honest.
I couldn’t commit to Jason that I’d never bring this up again, because in some ways it still stings.
I wish I could’ve been the woman who said “My husband? No way. He’d never do that.” and be 100% confident in my faith in him. Maybe I’ll get there someday.
What I was able to do was commit to him that I would:
First, slow down and share my fears and feelings instead of letting them bubble under the surface…
This means saying “I don’t feel very special to you right now, and I want you to pay more attention to me. I need to be reassured. I’m noticing I feel some scarcity like you won’t have enough love for me, or that you’ll lose interest.”
Second, stop punishing him for the misdeeds of the other men I’d dated who did violate my trust
Third, stop making him prove himself at every turn, to somehow make me feel better but then castrate his own freedom.
My constant questioning keeps him from opening up, and it’s my job as much as his to create safety for myself and for our relationship.
I don’t actually want a man who’s preoccupied with soothing me…I want a King who’s owning his own Kingdom and trusts the Queen by his side.
Trust is a tricky issue and not the same as blind faith.
Trust has to be earned and revealed over time, not just given in the stages of infatuation.
I always teach the women I work with to be aware, awake, and discerning.
But what good is being awake if you’re always on alert?
What good is being discerning if your fears are holding you hostage and keeping you from being even more cherished by your partner?
I don’t want to be the bottleneck in my relationship. I want to give from the overflow with a trusting heart. I want to create a conscious partnership which is strong enough to go through challenges like an old Bumble profile and more.
I am ready to open my heart to interdependent trust — trusting myself AND trusting my partner. Taking care of myself AND being taken care of by my partner. Staying awake AND allowing myself to relax into our container of love.
What keeps you from trusting fully?
How does that stand in the way of deeper love?
This message felt SO vulnerable to share with you! Thank you for trusting me and being part of our community 🙂
Xoxo, Violet
PS if you are looking to create a conscious, loving partnership and struggle with dating & relationships, or if you have been cheated on, I’d love to talk. Find a time here (we have a handful of spots left this week) for your free Breakthrough to Love call: www.violetlange.com/apply
